HOME ENQUIRERS SELDOM TELL THE FULL STORY

One of the most common statements by enquirers to the care centres where I was and is now is;

"Oh my mom/dad can fully take care of themselves, they can feed themselves, shower themselves and feed themselves and they do not need much help."  

Yeah right.... In fact this statements raised my antenna every time they say it.

I mean if an elderly person who is independent , why then do their children want to explore the possibilities of sending them to a elderly home. Why must the children subject their elderly parents with the feeling of rejection, neglect and unwantedness? Make no sense to me and make no sense to a cow either.

I have many such enquiries and discovered during interview and assessment that their parents are suffering from alzheimer and dementia in general and need medication. Very often the missing information is that my parents do not sleep at night and walk from room to room, perfect for security guard job. They did not tell you that their parents are violent at home and beat their loved ones. One such experience crossed my path recently. I had a 91 years old lady with serious dementia and when she goes off the rail she will disturb everyone, she will scold everyone in typical flowery chinese language bringing up other peoples parents, family, organs and ancestors, in short swearing all the the way. She can even beat up people with the strength and power of Ip Man with he r walking stick. Two of our strongest ladies can't hold her back.

Another common enquiry with insufficient information is this;

" Oh my mom/dad is on wheel chair and JUST  need some basic day to day care like shower and daily care. Very easy to take care."

This could mean many things. The parents could be big in size or tall or hard to carry or handle. They could be suffering from arthritis and body is painful from top to bottom or they have bedsores that need serious managing and care. Sometimes they did not tell me that their parents are about to die. There are children or their spouses who do not want their parents or father in law and mother in law to die in their house. 

Generally many people are desperate to get rid of their parents from their home, and I do not mean it in a bad way. Many children or carers are just desperate for help in this area of care. They are tired, they are arguing with their brothers and sisters and whom their beloved parents loved more. They are fighting to see who should pay what. They are fighting with their spouses.

Not too long ago, a couple and their niece were desperate to get better care for their brother of the man and father of the niece. They told me oh his condition is very easy to manage and to care for. His condition actually needs a good nursing care and trained nurses are the best to manage his condition. I just had to reject their application to our home. 

There is no end to desperate children in desperate situation till they are will to say what is necessary to get a care centre to accept them.

I hope I can live long enough to build an eco system to help more children with elderly parents to care for their parents in their home.

HOME CARE VERSUS HOME CARE

I am playing with words here. I am referring to the choice of choosing sending your ageing parents to a home or centre to be cared for or employing care givers to go to your home to care for your ageing parents.

I received a call one day, just like any normal day I get many calls asking for help and suggestions on how to take care of their parents. It was from an Indian male professional, race is added in not as a racist comments but to emphasize the ageing parent issues are not a problem for a particular race or nationality. Just so happened this happened to be an Indian man. I get calls like this from all races.

This man told me that he has problem with getting reliable maid to care for his father. They all ran away after two to three months.

I said, "Wait, let me guess. "Your maid worked 24/7 without rest right?"

He replied, "Yes"

I said, "Brother with working conditions  like that even I want to run away."

It is very common to get family members turning to  cheap maids to care for their ageing parents. They treat them like a maid and expect them behave like a care giver. The rationale in the mind of many family members who hired care givers was,"After my mom or dad slept, they have time to do other things." Very often, family members try to fill up the leisure hours of the caregiver.


Important note: Caregiver is not a maid, their job is to care, they are entitled to their rest. If they don't rest they cannot do their job.

So let care givers be care givers, if you think paying a maid RM1,200 to care for your parents and to do house work is what you wanted them to do, good luck to you .


So when do one decides on care at a elderly home or care in their own home? In Malaysia it is usually when it is medically impossible and physically draining and financially limitations do Malaysians send their parents to an elderly home.

If one can afford RM4,500 monthly then they can choose having caregivers caring for their parents at their own home.

Sending ones parents to a elderly home is a traumatic experience with a few psychological and emotional consequences. The elderly will feel abandonment and rejection, while the children will fell useless for not able to care for their parents themselves.

Whichever options appear, one can only take it one step at a time.