THE PRICE OF BEING A CAREGIVER

Want to know what is the highest price I had to pay being in the elderly care industry?

People talked about how hard the caregiver’s jobs are. That it takes a special kind of person to do it. But have you ever wondered what is the greatest price a caregiver has to pay? Oh yes, there is a price to pay for whoever chooses this industry.

There are two categories of caregivers. The first is the family members and yes, they do have to pay a price for caring for their loved ones. The second is the industry professionals, like me and the hired caregivers and nurses.

Let’s tackle the first group family and relative caregivers. There are many levels of price that they pay. Among them are giving up their jobs, careers, time and even life to care for their loved ones. Sometime ago a family 8 siblings, seven daughters and one son, came to see me about their dementia mother. They liked the place I was managing, and they wanted to check their mother in. And I said,” Wait we need to assess her over a few days to see if she is manageable type of dementia.”  As it turns out their mom was walking all the time, trying to escape and can be a bit violent. To cap it all she constantly looking for knife and scissors. 

My observation was that she has more conditions besides dementia, and I told the sisters that no home can manage her unless she has been properly evaluated by psychiatrist. I also told her that her mom’s behavior seems to indicate that she needs more that the two types of dementia medication given now. Then the daughter opened up and told me all the information she was trying to hide. According to her one sister quit her job and got depressed taking care of her mother after a few years. Then passed on to another daughter who is not married, and she got so stressed up that she just drove her mother to a cheap nursing home and left her there. All the other siblings had tried but just cannot take it.

For caregivers who are family members they may even pay the price of their own sanity. I found another solution for them but it is not a road they are prepared to travel. I told them very likely only with full medication management, in short heavily sedate her, that they can manage her. Still it is not a foolproof solution. Nobody fully understand for the mind is both a playground and a minefield.

What about industry professionals, what is the price they have to pay? Let me share with you the highest price I had to pay. I can’t be there when my father was sick, dying and died.  All because I was helping to manage and operate a new centre for a Harvest Christian Assembly church. We were short handed and we had to deal with many high care cases and worse of all I was given a ‘special church friend’ who was dying from cancer who needed super high care to manage.

Now, again as usual, (yes a double oxymoronic expression here) the family members lied about his condition saying he is okay, he can walk and eat. I was told that the tracheostomy is very easy to manage. But when I went to Klang General Hospital, the specialist told me an entirely different story. I was told he can hardly walk for his back pain was excruciating, he needed constant suction of phlegm, to be precised every hour for 24 hours. The care needed was so demanding that our staffing was simply insufficient. Not to mention that his cancer stank. The smell even drew in flies in drove. When my dad died on 16 September 2018, I cannot even go back. When my dad was sick for 3 weeks prior to his death, I could not be there. I depended on my trusted friends.

Now, I understand why my mom who was a nurse often gets condemned for not attending closed relatives’ funerals. My mom always said to my father, “cannot simply just change, there are people who are depending on me.”

But what about me?

IF ONLY I CAN SAY THESE AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

Have you ever thought of giving naughty and sometimes sarcastic replies to questions asked?

I have. There are many things I would like to say to family members if I could get away with it. 

Most elderly are checked into a care centre simply because the family members cannot manage them or care for them physically. They could be tired and feeling helpless, yet, family members never failed to surprise me with unreasonable questions.

I know they are desperate and sometimes exasperated because they can do nothing much to care for their parents, I understand this, but I feel that sometimes the most important person in a care centre, which is the carers were being unfairly treated. 

I do not belief that customer is always right when they start scolding and use abusive and condescending tone towards the carers. Personally, I have been askeddesperate  questions that I have decided to give a tongue in cheek answers to in this posting, which you will never hear me telling the family members.

Desperate question or DQ: Why my aunt/mother/father who can walk in the previous home, but now she hardly walks?

Tongue in cheek answers or TICA: Oh that’s because your aunt is getting older weaker. They have good days and bad days as they aged.

DQ : But that cannot be, your place is advertised to be so much better, it looks nicer than the other place.

TICA:  Probably the other place is an Olympic training centre for the seniors preparing the elderly for marathon or the 25km walk event. We are just a professional daily assisted living centre.

DQ : She couldn't walk maybe because you all don't help them to walk?

TICA : Er, where were you when we helped your mom to walk? What kind of children you are? You should quit your job and sit in our centre to see us when we exercise her.

DQ : Why my mom looks older now compare from last visit last year (children living in uk) ?

TICA : We call this ageing, you will get there too if you stop asking question like this.

DQ : Why is it that my father is eating less?

TICA : Food he likes doctor won’t let them eat, food they don’t like you kept giving to make sure he stay healthy to live a longer miserable live.

DQ : Why is it that the staff sits around doing nothing?

TICA : It is call lunch break.

DQ : You must force my mom to walk, she always complaint about leg being painful. She always pretends.

TICA : You called your mom a liar, may she is lying about her age too. Please take her to nursery school.

DQ : I saw your staff using wheelchair the other day, why don’t they listen to our simple instructions?

TICA : Because your mom complaint her leg is painful and we do not know that she can pretend and lie. Obviously ou are the only one who can take care of your mom, would uou like me to tell our manager to prepare the refund cheque?

DEATH - PEACEFUL AND BEAUTIFUL?

Here is a story of death and how it can be peaceful and beautiful thing.

Visited my late Father in Law's grave this morning. He passed away on 24th Dec 2011.
Sitting on the side of his grave stone it helps me to reflect that definitely all things will come to an end.
Our earthly revelry, sorrow, sufferings, anger and hate all will end.
Lying before me are people who were once well known, rich, successful and arrogant together with the humble, poor, destitute and down trodden.
All will end.
What's left are memories.t

Over the years I have seen many deaths; closed the eyes of a few; carried the remains of a few. Many people struggled to come to terms with their mortality. This story is not one of recovery but about the last journey of a lady named Grace who showed me how death can be peaceful and beautiful.

I met Grace somewhere in August 2019, she was in her 60s and suffering from stage four cancer of the lung. I assessed her in PPUM at the cancer ward. She was located next to the nurses’ station, which meant that she was critical and may go anytime.  Yet, when I spoke with her in PPUM I did not see death in her eyes but peace and full of cheer and life. I thought her visitors and relatives were the one dying, they looked so grimed.

Our conversation was fun and candid and she went straight to the question, “ Do you accept one who is about to die and could die anytime?” I thought that was pretty direct. and I replied, “Yes we do, because I have seen staged four recovered before, you may live longer than you think.”
She checked in a week later in one of the room with all the essential trappings. Oxygen concentrator, oxygen tank, morphine and the works.  She received many visitors daily and we even had a birthday party for her in the centre.
She had good days when she could sit up and chat with visitors and me. There were days when she almost departed. But in all the days she spent preparing for her eventual reunion with God. She prepared what to say and to give to each one of her friends and relatives. She even prepared something for each and every caregivers, nurses and myself. All these given to us by her niece after her death about 2 months later at her request, in her own home.

She was peaceful and happy till the end and this helped me to reflect the reason why her death was so peaceful and beautiful.

The reason was that her life was not her own to live but for others. She spent days in our place preparing all her luggages for departure.  It was death waiting at her door that gave her the life that she lived towards the end. When we got news of her death, me and our staff cried and when we receive each an angpau with our names on it, we were flabbergasted and lost for words. We asked, “How can someone who is going to die spent time  preparing angpaus for each for each of us with our name on it!?

It was because she did not live for herself and through her death we saw whom she lived for.

Share this with your friends to encourage them.

HEALED IN 21 DAYS, NOT 180 DAYS

This is one among my favourite stories It is about a 75 year man who is a bit of a rascal and fun-loving character. His name is Bernard.

Do share if this story inspires and edify you.

Late last year he came to my centre with a serious spine injury and operation wounds. While in hospital he fell in the bathroom after the operation and was lying in the bathroom for 2 hours until his wife/girlfriend went inside the toilet and found him there. The bathroom incident happened when his wife/girlfriend, depends with whom you ask, went to get some stuff from the private hospital stores. Bernard went into the toilet to pee and he fell, aggravating his post operation wounds.

He tried to reach the bathroom’s call bell, but some smart Alex tied up the long wire that allows it to dangle all the way to inches off the floor on the handrail. Making it out of reach for him as he could not stand he lied on the floor. The wife/girlfriend came back a few minutes later not realizing that he had fell, thinking that he had been wheeled for more test. After almost an hour watching the tv she went to the toilet and found him there. Oh, they actually had to break the toilet door to get in.

On reaching our centre somewhere on the first week of October 2019, he could hardly walk, sit or talk much and suffering from excruciating pain.

Physio and acupuncture was arranged for him daily and within days he could talk, sit and stand. That’s when the fun start and his wife/girlfriend pusing kepala(shook her head). He started calling all his friends, all loud rascally, fun-loving professionals who visited him. Follow by bunch after bunch of gorgeous women although in their 60s and still hot coming to visit him in droves.  Bernard told me loudly these are my girlfriends. I told him you want to die talking like this. Bernard happily replied, I have gone through worse.

Within the second week he went to his home one day with his wife/girlfriend and came back to our centre in a big black Porsche Cayenne, and he went out every day. And on the 21^st day of October I wanted to kick him out, albeit jokingly, and he said, “Never mind paid one month might as well enjoy peace and quiet here.”

Here I must point out the the key things that helped in his recovery.

The first is that Bernard is generally a happy man and was an active man. He has lots of friends and he was not afraid to be vulnerable in front of them. He did not ask for pity, In fact, the rascal (in a nice way) took advantage of his droves of girlfriends with his conditions. Of course, the other is the support from his wife/girlfriend was tremendous. The wife/girlfriend was so supportive in spite of her recent trauma of losing her 40 year old daughter to cancer. The wife/girlfriend teared when she shared this and asked why her daughter being young did not fight on. But that did not stop her being a cheerful soul.

Being in the care industry allows me to meet many people whose life inspired me and helped me to look beyond myself. It helped me to realise that there is nothing wrong with being sick or need help. Being vulnerable is not a weakness but a strength that I can draw on.

Oh Bernard left me with a beautiful video saying thank you to everyone and I do believe in miracles.

AMAZING STAGE FOUR CANCER RECOVERY!!

I promised to share heartwarming stories of carers ad family members. I am sharing another wonderful story. People talked about miracles and in my years in elderly care I have seen many miraculous healings, I believe they were all divine and peppered with lots of love and care by the care givers and the family members.

January 2019, two brother and sister came to see me regarding their younger sister, Rosie, who was suffering from stage four cancer. A former teacher, she was not married and live alone in an apartment in Klang. Her chemo treatment left her breathless, tired and weak. As she was living alone, she could not get her own food, she could starve in her own home.

On the 3^rd day of Chinese New Year 2019 me and two caregivers, David and Rishu went to this Rosie’s apartment in Klang. When I saw her, she was bald, tired, weak and could hardly walk, but she was smiling and what a wonderful smile she has. We wheeled her into my faithful Toyota Unser and took her to the centre which, I helped a church to organized.

We put her in a single room, but unknown to her that room was also known as the holding room. It was meant for residents who need critical care. It is located near the kitchen and easy access to a back door for the purpose of easy moving out in case of emergency or death. Yes, I expected her to ‘go’ within a month or two.

Rosie was a happy soul inspite of her pain and conditions. There was a slight stench of cancer that was oozing out. If one never smells death, well visiting a cancer ward and taking a deep breath will show you what death smells like.

She continued her chemotherapy while with us. We fed her and my care team gave her love and jokes. One of my night shift care givers shared with her the gospel and prayed for her. She became more cheerful. Four months into her stay she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Saviour. Pastor Alan Tan or Harvest Christian Assmebly came to baptized her. Her conditions continued to improve. By October 2019, she was proclaimed clear of stage four cancer and she could walk, her hair grew and in November 2019 she went home, walking out happily with the same big smile I first saw on her face. Of course, the cancer can return, but until then she is well now.

I have seen miraculous healing, not like those of magic abracadabra stuff but one of love and care and how the power of the Spirit in ones’ life could change and heal. For how long,  I do not know, but for now I know she is well. Met her again during Christmas and her hair was much longer, she gained some weight. Dressed in a pretty white with floral pink dress, she greeted me with a big smile and cheerful voice.

At this point some may expect me to sell some supplements or the scret of miraculous healing and say, "Follow Jesus and you will be healed." No my friend nothing like that, I am just sharing what I experienced and saw. Perhaps if you want to know the secret it is probably an amazing potion call Love.

All I can say is thank you God and thank you for the caregivers’ hard work, care and love and her family members who supported her through out her journey of recovery. Never forget the joy of my day’s work.

Share this with your friends and encourage them to serve in care community.  Miracles do happen, people will die but your love and care will forever be carved into the hearts of those whose paths you cross.

Go beyond the sad and miserable face and conditions and dive deep into the lives of those who cross your path. Inside a plain cover book are pages of stories, funny stories, heartwarming stories and do not be afraid to be vulnerable. Never let what others are doing affect our value and importance in a world so short of love.

THE UNKNOWN CARERS

Among the heated liars, cheats and deceits of Malaysia’s politic, there are stories to tell us what we do is more important than what the politicians are doing.

Here are two stories of two residents who will be checking out of our assisted living centre and go home. No they are not dead, no, they just got well from the tender loving care of my lovely team.

The first story is about Uncle Lim who came in 3 months ago paralysed on the right side after suffering a stroke. His condition was so serious that his loving family members, his wife and daughter called for immediate check in. We gave him a single room near our kitchen and the wife and daughter came everyday just to be with him.

A Chinese acupuncturist was arranged for him and our physio comes daily to work on his physical strength. On top of that our team of nurses and carers continue with the activities and simple physio. Within 2 month his right leg was showing signs of improvement and on 26 January 2020 I challenged him that he can go home within 3 months. He said not 3 months and wanted to go home in 1 month I said ok but you must listen to what we tell you to do. He did and exactly one month later, on 1 March 2020 he will walk out of our centre, albeit with some help, but he is going home.

The second story is about Aunty Leong, on the first day of Chinese New Year her son called me and told me they needed help urgently. He said PPUM forced them to check out because they fear the Covid 19 virus or infection may be caught after the surgery and they were discharged on the eve of Chinese New Year, 24 January 2020.

The son called me urgently at 11 am. And after my Chinese New Year lunch I went to the centre and met them at 4pm. The son, daughter and grandson and another lady were there. They told me the mother has heart condition, breathing problem and need oxygen concentrator and cannot walk because she was very weak. She weights about 70 kg and 85 years of age. She was dead weight and she won’t sleep on the first night back and the family just do not know what to do. They can’t bathe her as she was deadweight.

Got a box of Penang Tau Sah Peah as thank you gift
from Aunty Leong's family

I told them not to worry and told them to check in immediately the same evening because I saw the family members were all over sixty and look weak. I said you better check in before the rest of you needs to check in too if you try to care for the mother for another night. In fact, the whole family was worried that we will reject their mother.

I told them, it is for people who need us that we exist. The daughter asked me, which they think is the most important question, “how do we pay you and how much?”

Our reply is simple, let’s take care of the most important thing first. Bring your mother in so that she can be cared for first, then you all can rest. As for the money, we talk about it later. Yes I did tell her the amount. Their concern was not the fee, they thought like private hospitals they must pay a deposit first. On normal circumstances that is our procedure, but because it was Chinese New Year and we were very busy, we waived the protocol.

Here is the beautiful news. The mother came in with breathing problem, cannot walk and many other ailments. On 29 February 2020 she is walking out of our centre. She do not need for oxygen concentrator for the pass week and wow her recovery was remarkable.

Here I want to thank my dedicated team of nurses and care givers in both my centres who gave all their hearts, all their strength and all their love to help these two uncle and aunty in their miraculous recovery. Their faces and names will not be mentioned but they will forever be in the memories of those whose lives they touched and cared for. I must thank God for His providence and guidance during such situations and gave us he strength to care and to love.

Please share these beautiful stories with others in a world where some are selfishly serving themselves. There is hope and love out there.

Writing these stories brought some humanity back in me, and a tear or two in my eyes.

AUNTY LEE CHA BOH

I have shared stories of trials and challenges of being in the elderly care industry. But I must say it is not always doom and gloom. Sometimes it is not even difficult to care for the elderly. There are more success and good stories to tell then sad stories of lousy children and ungrateful elderly people. There are more good children than bad children grateful elderlies than ungrateful ones.

Here is a happy story that I like to share with you that I came across over the last 3 years. By the way, I am not using the real names for privacy purposes.

Aunty Lee check-in after a double knee ops. She was in pain and wanted to go home. She can walk but the knees were in pain every time she tried and her 85 kg does not help. She was angry with her daughters and she blamed them for being useless for not able to care for her at home. Her daughter was only a mere 55 kg and a small frame lady.

Aunty Lee refused to eat, walk or exercise and it took 3 strong men to move her from bed to chairs. She complained and cry everyday, she has a wonderful son in law who took care of everything, as he was the son in law he was spared the agony of curses, scolding and word badgering unlike what his wife was getting.

After 2 months of moaning and crying and complaining of wanting to go home, I talked to her one day and said these words, “if you want to go home, you listen to me and what my team says, if you do, within 3 months you can go home. You want to go home right?” and she nodded.

So, I told her my plan. I said, “Step one, we will help you to lose 10 kg, simultaneously we will build your leg and arms muscles. Next you must go out for exercise with the community every morning. Everyday you must walk 20 steps twice a day.”

Building little well being goals is important.

I said that in early December. By early February she lost 10 KG, she was able to walk. By Chinese New Year she could actually go home. And then she dropped the bombshell. She said, “No, I don’t want to go home for Chinese New Year, I have my celebration with my family at the centre.” and she got someone to cook for her family and celebrated CNY in our centre, in Klang.

Today she is 65KG, mobile, she is happy and her family members are very happy with the team the people caring her in the centre.

This is just one of the many stories that I will share with you as an encouragement. It is moment like this that reminds me as carer that there is value in what I do, there is healing for both hearts and body, there is mending of relationships.

If you like this story then share to encourage others to care for others, it is worth it.