When Someone Tells You They Have Cancer: Dos and Don’ts

 When Someone Tells You They Have Cancer: Dos and Don’ts

Because the first response matters.

It’s one of those moments that can catch you off guard. A friend, colleague, or family member sits you down and says, “I’ve got cancer.” The air shifts. Your heart tightens. You want to say something helpful — but the words don’t always come easy.

Here’s the truth: You don’t need to say something perfect. You just need to be human, present, and kind. But there are some things that help more than others — and some things that, although well-meaning, can unintentionally hurt.

Here’s a simple guide to walk with grace in a moment that really counts.

✅ DO: Just listen

Sometimes the best thing you can do is say less and listen more. Let them share whatever they feel — fear, anger, confusion, even humour. You don’t need to fix it. Just be a safe space.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m here for you.”

❌ DON’T: Compare or tell stories about someone else

You might be tempted to say, “My uncle had cancer too and he...” — but pause. Everyone’s journey is different. Don’t shift the focus. Let their story be about them, not someone else’s come.

✅ DO: Acknowledge their courage

It takes strength to open up about cancer. Honour that. Even a quiet “That must’ve been hard to share — thank you for telling me” can mean the world.

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❌ DON’T: Offer false hope or clichés

Avoid phrases like:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Stay positive.”
• “You’ll beat this, I know it.”

You don’t need to sugar-coat reality. Sometimes, it’s okay to say:

“I don’t know what to say... but I’m with you.”

✅ DO: Ask what they need

Everyone responds differently. Some want space. Some want to talk. Some want practical help. Ask gently:

“What would support look like for you right now?”

Even if they don’t know yet, it shows you care — without assumptions.

❌ DON’T: Disappear

One of the most painful things for someone with cancer is friends who vanish. Maybe they didn’t know what to say. Maybe they were afraid. Be the one who stays. Send a message. Check in. Even small gestures matter.

✅ DO: Respect their pace and privacy

Not everyone wants to talk about it all the time. Follow their lead. If they change the subject, let it go. If they tell you in confidence, keep it private unless they say otherwise.

❌ DON’T: Make it about your emotions

Yes, it’s upsetting to hear. But don’t break down in front of them or make them comfort you. If you need to cry, do it later, with someone else. Be steady — for them.

✅ DO: Offer specific help

Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” say:

• “Can I drop off dinner next Thursday?”
• “I’m free to drive you to chemo next week.”
• “I can take the kids out on Sunday if you need a break.”

Concrete offers are easier to accept than vague promises.

 

❌ DON’T: Start prescribing remedies or pushing products

This one needs to be said clearly: Don’t recommend miracle cures, herbal treatments, or supplements — especially if you’re selling them. Your friend is already dealing with medical decisions and emotional overload. The last thing they need is unsolicited advice or a sales pitch.

Respect their treatment path. Let doctors be doctors — and you be the friend who simply cares.

A gentle closing thought...

Cancer strips away illusions. It brings people face to face with fear, mortality — and the true meaning of friendship.

You don’t need fancy words. You just need heart.

Be the friend who doesn’t flinch. The one who listens. The one who stays.

That kind of presence? That’s love in its purest form.