KEVIN, MY WONDERFUL CARING FRIEND

On 25 March 2020 I had a long chat with an ex colleague from Reliance. A wonderful caring guy who was ever so helpful. Let just call him Kevin.

It started with a whatsapp message, “You free to chat?” I said yeah. Actually, with the lock down I was pretty relax and chill. He told me that he has this idea to start food truck and hire special people with Down Syndrome and train them to work and be self-supporting.  

I told him, that is a great idea, not the food truck or self-supporting part, but very important was that he saw a problem and then decided to step out to help. And that makes my heart glad. He wanted my thoughts on how to start. He told me how he can help by setting up the truck and getting his cycling ‘kakis’ to be part of it.

I told him that I don’t know much about down syndrome. The first thing is to recognize that care for different community takes on a different mind and skills set. In the care community there are several core groups which the welfare department had identified. They are women with issues, special needs, orang kurang upaya/disabled and elderly care. And in each category, they have sub categories.

For example, in special needs we can sub categorize them to autistic, down syndrome and spastic just to name a few. And in disabled you will have the physical disability like wheelchair bound and visually challenged. In women we have the abused women, single mother and unwanted pregnancy. In elderly care we have the medical care, dementia care and assisted living only. Now there are even more but very often centres cross served multiple sectors of care due to dire needs and lack of resources to serve all sectors individually.

I shared with Kevin that, very often caring is not just about passion, it is a calling and some are called to be very specific like me, in elderly care. Before we can help anyone in any sector, we want to serve in we must do the following 3 things.

First, we must understand the down syndrome and its varying spectrum. We must learn the behavior the conditions and understand it as if you are one of them.

Next, is that we must ask the most important question, “Do they the down syndrome needs help?” Most of us will answer yes they do need help. But ask this one more question, “Do you think the person with down syndrome knows he/she needs help or even wants help?”

 Finally start to understand them, go through them as a human being, ask simple questions like, “What makes them happy?”, “What makes them laugh?”, “What does he/she likes to eat?”, “What does he/she likes to do?” Learn to understand their expressions, each one will have different expressions expressing he same thing.

In any care community, there is a person under that skin, that look, that condition. There is that person that we need to know and understand. Perhaps then we will see ‘help’ very differently. We may not look at the special people as someone who need help. Perhaps through them we can see that we are the one who needed help more than them. Perhaps through these people we can truly see who we are. Through our reactions to the sufferings of others, truly then will we see ourselves. Perhaps these special people are the mirror to our soul, the empty void that our achievements can never bring. The deep dark hole that crave filling and fulfilling and even fulfilment.

Remember, before we can help others let see what help we need too.

To all you lovely people of bangsa Malaysia, who love and care for these people, may your life be the light and beacon of both their life and yours too.

And to my good friend Kevin may you be the light for others.

ONE LEGGED MR KONG TO WALK AGAIN

Went to visit the centre which, I have completed my mission. Brought my daughter there as she is still working there covering admin and hr. Had a few chats with my ex colleagues and then this Mr. Kong came down the lift by himself.

What so special about this 62 year old Mr Kong is that he is diabetic with both his kidneys gone and he needs dialysis 3 times a week. He came into our centre around end of November 2019 after he had his right leg amputated at Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia. The amputation was just below his right knee.

When he first arrived, he was just like a lump of jelly. He kept falling off the bed, toilets and what not. This was due to the fact that he had not got used to the idea that he does not have a right leg anymore. Each time when he tried to walk, he will fall because he can’t put his right foot forward. Couple by the fact that he was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and plus his operations, he was left with very little muscle’s mass to support himself.

Because of his regular moving in and out for dialysis plus dinners with family, he fell a few times and hurt his right leg’s wound and resulted in further amputation until above his right knee.

The funny part about Mr. Kong is he always carry this hope that he will walk and even drive again. And in January, after his second amputation I told him that yes he can walk again and perhaps even drive but he must listen and work with us. He said yes and we laid out a plan for him.

I told him from my experience and based on his personality, mental health and out look he will probably recover by April and be fitted with a prosthetic leg by May. However, to be fitted with a prosthetic leg, one must have arms and leg muscles to support the prosthetic and not the other way around initially. So, I say you must do what the nurses and caregivers tell you to do. So, we started with building his arm muscles by getting him to push himself in his wheelchair, his family members hired a physiotherapist for him and couple with staff daily exercises he recovered his muscles very well. Today on 27 March 2020 my colleague gave me an update that Mr. Kong can now transfer himself from wheelchair to bed and vice versa. He can take himself to toilet and shower himself. In fact, he could stand by himself.

What an amazing transformation. Mr. Kong told me he is ready for his prosthetic. I told him I think so too. So once the Covid 19 lockdown is over, he can get a prosthetic leg fitted in May as expected.

I have seen many miraculous recoveries over the years, and I believe that all healings and recoveries are divine, be it through the wave of God’s hand or very often through the loving hands of the medical professionals, family members and caregivers. The most important is that we do not lose hope.

Here I thank the medical professionals, Tim the Physiotherapist and my team of caregivers colleague for doing such a wonderful job.

May this story brings encouragement to anyone who reads it.

THE CAREGIVER'S OATH

Over the course of me developing training programmes for carers and operators i was always intrigued with the Doctors Hypocritical oath and the nurses' Nightingale oath. So i starting searching for a care givers oath and i found it. except for the first oath, all the rest i took it from a carer's website but i have modified it a little to suit the elderly care industry.

THE  CAREGIVER’S OATH

1) I will care for each elderly person as my parent and their children become my brothers and sisters and we are one big extended family.

2) I understand that I can’t care for anyone else if I don’t also care for myself. I will keep an image in my mind of putting the oxygen mask on myself first.

3) I will remember that the only person I can change is myself. I cannot change the person under my care who is ill, nor their family members.

4) I will find opportunities to laugh, daily. These might come in movies, jokes, television, or with friends who can see the humor in my situation and remind me to do the same.

5) I will get away from my caregiving duties on a regular basis, even if it is just to walk around the block. But I will also find ways to have lunch with a friend, go to a movie, window shop, breathe in fresh air, watch the sunset, or have an ice cream.

6) I will visit a support group, either online (at caregiver.org) or in person in my community, so that I know that I am not alone. If a support group isn’t right for me, I will find a friend to talk to, call my family consultant, or attend a workshop.

7) I will learn as much as I can about the person under my care’s illness so I can better care for him or her with understanding. I will learn techniques that will make caregiving easier for both of us.
8) I will say “yes” when people offer to help from colleagues, other residents and family members. When there are not offers, I will ask for help, even though it might be hard to do so.

9) I will use community resources—such as college , NGOs, government and elderly support groups and volunteer —to help make my caregiving duties easier.

10) I will find something I really like to do and make sure I find time to do it on a regular basis. Just because I am a caregiver doesn’t mean I have to give up everything that is meaningful to me. I will read, knit, garden, scrapbook, cook or any hobbies for a designated period of time every week.
11) I will remember that I am loved and appreciated, even when the person I am caring for can’t tell me that.

12) I will honor the nurturing, responsibility, caring, and support that I provide to those under my care as a gift I give.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

On 1 April 2019 I was appointed home director of The Mansion, Jalan Gasing. The conversation with the CEO was clear and that is  to achieve 35 residents by end June 2019 or else I go, fair. At the time of appointment, The Mansion has 28 residents, so 7 was not a tall order.

By 1 July, I achieved full house with 44 residents at an average of RM5.5k per residents. The full house status was maintained till today March 2020. 

Most important of all I promised the Management that within 6 months I will build a team that can run without me. That's what I do I duplicate myself.

That too is accomplished.

Then when The Mansion Sri Aman started In October, I went over to be part of the set up team. I brought along two staff whom I have hired  groomed to supervise. 

Within the first month, October, we had 4 residents which immediately made us operationally sustainable.

We were operationally sustainable from October till we hit full house of 23 residents in February 2020, slightly less than 5 months. And oh at a fee of RM6, 500 per residents

Likewise as I pen this end of contract message I am sure both the team that I had groomed can manage The Mansion effectively and efficiently.

Of course, the pandemic is a different ball game all together.

Effectively on 17 March I am to let the management take back both centres. This is normal to ensure smooth transition.

So while the pandemonium is going around I was rewarded  my full final fee, 14 days transitional days off and no worries of this Covid Lockdown issues.

My success at the Mansion is definitely not about me alone but about the team and people I worked with. Yes I am good at building teams that last, but it  depends on the materials and people I got. All my success I give glory to God who took me through this and many other journeys over the years.

To the team I built and come to love as friends and family, may you grow and prosper in all you do.

To the management, thank you for the opportunity to make something good, great.

Till we meet again.

Muntoh

Former Home Director of The Mansion

STOP JUDGING, STOP CONDEMNING

I read with amusement and sadness many comments from the netizens condemning those who travelled back to their kampung inspite of the current restricted movement exercise. There are people posting pasar pagi selling things and people still go there inspite of council officer giving warning.

Let's break it down here. many who migrate back home the last few days did it not because it is a holiday, well perhaps a little break for them. The reality is most workers from others states who worked in KL live in small poky flats or only one small room and some even share it with friends. With this lock down and no work, no entertainment, and many things that they cannot do means they will be lock in a small poky room smelling their own fart.

Most of the rented areas that they can afford are dirty, traffic congested and smelly.

They cannot even go to the park in Kuala Lumpur, so sad. I would have thought that open air and sunlight is a good prevention idea.

For those who had condemned and made fun of these groups going home, think twice most of them are not as lucky and blessed like of of us living here. We are commenting in the comfort of our home and air con. Going home means more space for them. Yes there is a risk of transmission, but staying back also face a risk of depression.

My nephew is staying in a rented room of only 6ft x 6ft, if he wasn't busy at work that's what he live in.

Before we call them stupid, ignorant and bodoh, please lah Malaysians show some compassion.

What about those opening for business, opening their nasi lemak stalls and what not. do not many of them do not have a credit card, or sufficient reserves to last two weeks. They need food, I hope that is not too much to ask. So they need to make a choice between penniless and coronavirus. They are stuck with Hobson's choice. Don't do business, die, do business may die. You tell me what would you choose for them.

Looking at myself, at least I have wifi, a comfortable 1500sf terrace house with two airconed rooms. there are many who are not living so comfortably.

Therefore, before we comment and condemn, go a layer deeper.

Shallow thinking is seeping through fear of coronavirus or that virus. Yes the virus can be deadly, so is hunger and no money for medical bill.

Maybe this group is ignorant, but aren't we all at many times and instances.

The fear is not the virus but DEATH, that's what this is about because it can affect comfortable people like you and I, rich and affluent. The rich can actually die too, all is fair in the death and taxes as the saying goes.

What if we die, but hey as an insurance friend of mine once said , there are two ways we die, failure of organs or accident.

So can we between life now and death then spare a moment to say a kind word like, yes have a safe journey home. Pray for their safety. Wish time joy and beautiful moments with their old parents and old friends. See you in 14 days. May the peace of God/Allah/Buddha and what not be with you.

My Malaysia now do not need condemnation and judgements, we need love, kind words, caring thoughts and positive action.

Peace.

THE PRICE OF BEING A CAREGIVER

Want to know what is the highest price I had to pay being in the elderly care industry?

People talked about how hard the caregiver’s jobs are. That it takes a special kind of person to do it. But have you ever wondered what is the greatest price a caregiver has to pay? Oh yes, there is a price to pay for whoever chooses this industry.

There are two categories of caregivers. The first is the family members and yes, they do have to pay a price for caring for their loved ones. The second is the industry professionals, like me and the hired caregivers and nurses.

Let’s tackle the first group family and relative caregivers. There are many levels of price that they pay. Among them are giving up their jobs, careers, time and even life to care for their loved ones. Sometime ago a family 8 siblings, seven daughters and one son, came to see me about their dementia mother. They liked the place I was managing, and they wanted to check their mother in. And I said,” Wait we need to assess her over a few days to see if she is manageable type of dementia.”  As it turns out their mom was walking all the time, trying to escape and can be a bit violent. To cap it all she constantly looking for knife and scissors. 

My observation was that she has more conditions besides dementia, and I told the sisters that no home can manage her unless she has been properly evaluated by psychiatrist. I also told her that her mom’s behavior seems to indicate that she needs more that the two types of dementia medication given now. Then the daughter opened up and told me all the information she was trying to hide. According to her one sister quit her job and got depressed taking care of her mother after a few years. Then passed on to another daughter who is not married, and she got so stressed up that she just drove her mother to a cheap nursing home and left her there. All the other siblings had tried but just cannot take it.

For caregivers who are family members they may even pay the price of their own sanity. I found another solution for them but it is not a road they are prepared to travel. I told them very likely only with full medication management, in short heavily sedate her, that they can manage her. Still it is not a foolproof solution. Nobody fully understand for the mind is both a playground and a minefield.

What about industry professionals, what is the price they have to pay? Let me share with you the highest price I had to pay. I can’t be there when my father was sick, dying and died.  All because I was helping to manage and operate a new centre for a Harvest Christian Assembly church. We were short handed and we had to deal with many high care cases and worse of all I was given a ‘special church friend’ who was dying from cancer who needed super high care to manage.

Now, again as usual, (yes a double oxymoronic expression here) the family members lied about his condition saying he is okay, he can walk and eat. I was told that the tracheostomy is very easy to manage. But when I went to Klang General Hospital, the specialist told me an entirely different story. I was told he can hardly walk for his back pain was excruciating, he needed constant suction of phlegm, to be precised every hour for 24 hours. The care needed was so demanding that our staffing was simply insufficient. Not to mention that his cancer stank. The smell even drew in flies in drove. When my dad died on 16 September 2018, I cannot even go back. When my dad was sick for 3 weeks prior to his death, I could not be there. I depended on my trusted friends.

Now, I understand why my mom who was a nurse often gets condemned for not attending closed relatives’ funerals. My mom always said to my father, “cannot simply just change, there are people who are depending on me.”

But what about me?

IF ONLY I CAN SAY THESE AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

Have you ever thought of giving naughty and sometimes sarcastic replies to questions asked?

I have. There are many things I would like to say to family members if I could get away with it. 

Most elderly are checked into a care centre simply because the family members cannot manage them or care for them physically. They could be tired and feeling helpless, yet, family members never failed to surprise me with unreasonable questions.

I know they are desperate and sometimes exasperated because they can do nothing much to care for their parents, I understand this, but I feel that sometimes the most important person in a care centre, which is the carers were being unfairly treated. 

I do not belief that customer is always right when they start scolding and use abusive and condescending tone towards the carers. Personally, I have been askeddesperate  questions that I have decided to give a tongue in cheek answers to in this posting, which you will never hear me telling the family members.

Desperate question or DQ: Why my aunt/mother/father who can walk in the previous home, but now she hardly walks?

Tongue in cheek answers or TICA: Oh that’s because your aunt is getting older weaker. They have good days and bad days as they aged.

DQ : But that cannot be, your place is advertised to be so much better, it looks nicer than the other place.

TICA:  Probably the other place is an Olympic training centre for the seniors preparing the elderly for marathon or the 25km walk event. We are just a professional daily assisted living centre.

DQ : She couldn't walk maybe because you all don't help them to walk?

TICA : Er, where were you when we helped your mom to walk? What kind of children you are? You should quit your job and sit in our centre to see us when we exercise her.

DQ : Why my mom looks older now compare from last visit last year (children living in uk) ?

TICA : We call this ageing, you will get there too if you stop asking question like this.

DQ : Why is it that my father is eating less?

TICA : Food he likes doctor won’t let them eat, food they don’t like you kept giving to make sure he stay healthy to live a longer miserable live.

DQ : Why is it that the staff sits around doing nothing?

TICA : It is call lunch break.

DQ : You must force my mom to walk, she always complaint about leg being painful. She always pretends.

TICA : You called your mom a liar, may she is lying about her age too. Please take her to nursery school.

DQ : I saw your staff using wheelchair the other day, why don’t they listen to our simple instructions?

TICA : Because your mom complaint her leg is painful and we do not know that she can pretend and lie. Obviously ou are the only one who can take care of your mom, would uou like me to tell our manager to prepare the refund cheque?